Exhaustion

Exhausted, my heart caught in yank
Like a game of tug-a-war, it is torn in twain
Which path is right, which path is yours?
Forever I struggle to offer de jour

Issue after issue, concern after concern
Enamored, it finds a peculiar burn
Only filled by the One who desires my soul
It wanders to thoughts; oh, how they begin to roll

Are these of you? your plan? design?
Or are they my flesh and the serpent's malign?
Lord, guide me in your way, the one everlasting
And lay this weary heart beneath your glory to bask in

Turn around...

Lately, I've been allowed to think
Allowed to evaluate and review
Allowed to be myself; the one I was meant to be

I have thought about the past
I had forgotten my strength
My path was hazy and looked at with distaste
What could he possibly do
What a waste...
The thoughts of less faith

Turn around...
This love? This gift?
This is his; the way it will be used
Whether by art or science
It is my visions that bring fame
Not for the servant
But the professional

Tabula Rasa

I'm not Good at This

When this picture was taken, I was one of two best men at my best friend's wedding. It was a beautiful worship service filled with little nuances that make the most excellent memories. Including me dropping the ring...

It's ok. Neither the groom nor the bride noticed, and I don't think the camera guy caught me. Seemingly, I have escaped historical record of my failure (other than this blog post and the memories of the onlookers).

I took this snapshot to say that I'm not good at random pictures. I'm not sure whether it proved or disproved my intent.

However, since this momentous occasion, I have learned something far more massive than my inability to be random in front of a soul stealing contraption. I am not good at life.

I mess things up in life so frequently. I want so desperately to make it to the end of my life by enjoying it. I always have. I asked my parents what aspirations I had as a kid and they told me nothing! All I wanted to do was enjoy life. It's still all I want to do. I don't want to deal with pain or hardship. I just want to get to the end and look back and say, "that was fun." I'm sure there are others who feel the same.

I know that's not how life is, and it's probably not the most enjoyable way. Here's the thing... I don't think anyone is good at life. If we were, why would we need God?

"... and I'm a Mormon"

Greatest marketing ploy ever. If you haven't seen these ads, you should check them out to understand what I mean. I forget how I first ran into one, but I remember saying to myself, "Self, the Mormons are on to something here. This is the greatest marketing ploy ever.

In the event you haven't seen one yet, here is what happens. First, you have about a minute of something quite normal or semi-awesome. It's your average everyday person talking about whatever it is they do. They could be a mom, a recording artist, or a surfing champion. I know... you thought when I said normal, I meant something like chewing some gum. You had no clue that I meant being a pro surfing champ.

Then, at the end, you find out what the ad is all about. This person that you just recently became attached to unleashes the one thing you didn't see coming. This person reveals that they also happen to be a Mormon amidst they're everyday life.

There lies the secret to this ploy! You have now been convinced that you can be a semi-awesome person and have religious ties. All I'm saying here is that I'm not sure how we missed this. I haven't done my research, but I think many people think Mormons are weird. However, I think many people think Christians are weird too.

I'm not saying that the way of Christ is suppose to be cool. It's not. I think many people look at Christians and think, "Many people, these Christians are hypocrites and self-righteous do-gooders." Granted there is probably a fair share of that in Christendom, but I think that many people miss the semi-awesome person who says, "I'm a Christian, and this is my life."

(See what I did there? I switched the placement of the "I'm a Christian" to the beginning instead of the end. Was there a reason? You tell me.)

Just the beginning of a conversation. What do you think?

The Little Spanking

A friend of mine was telling me earlier today about an occasion where his son was being obstinate and disobedient. His wife then told his son that if he touched it again, she would give him a spanking.

What would I do in the son's position? I would not only touch the forbidden object but manhandle it with the most devious of smiles. Why? Because I like to do things and push the limits.

Needless to say, the kid touched the object while he looked at his mother. "What are the first words out of his mouth?" you may ask. Let me tell you.

"Are you going to spank me?"

The mother's response in my mind has a very no-duh kind of expression. He then proceeds to ask if it could be a little spanking. It was not a little spanking.

This story, however, strikes a chord in me and hopefully many of you. How often do we do something that we know is bad and hope that we don't reap the consequences? Maybe we will only suffer a small hardship.

King of the Hill

I don't know how this post is going to turn out. It could be incredibly serious. It could be increasingly sarcastic. I don't even know what I'm going to write about.

Thoughts... I have a lot of them. I do a lot of thinking. A lot of thinking about some important things. A lot of thinking about nothing. Probably more thinking about nothing. This is unfortunate.

In my interactions with people, I probably strive to be more amiable. I hope to be funny and seek to be wanted. As I write this, I wonder if these thoughts should even be published for all to see. My more secret and personal of thoughts of course are recorded privately, away from technology. I guess I hope that my honesty and openness would speak to my reader. I often speak to be heard and repeat to be certain that someone is paying attention.

What use is that? What does that say about what I truly treasure? It's like a giant game of king of the hill with my heart.

Like everyone in this world, I am insecure. The odd thing is that when I am not thinking about myself, I am most secure. I worry. I try to control. I lie. All because I don't like who I am or I want things a certain way.  Who then is my god? It certainly isn't the one, true God. It is me. It is those around me. It is the very things that were created for me to enjoy.

There is nothing new under the sun. I am not the first to understand or think about these things. Because of that, I am a fool. So many of us know everything I am talking about. If I am vague, let me be clear.

Christians. We claim to follow the one, true God. Yet, we let other things in this life rule over us far before we let God take the wheel. Every action we perform is an outpouring of our heart and reflects who sits on its throne.

Every word that falls from my lips, every motion that my body performs, every instance that beckons my joy, reflects who or what reigns in my heart. Thank God for grace.

This might sound dumb, but Jesus knew what he was talking about with his response to the greatest commandment. Love the LORD your God with all of your heart, all of your mind, all of your soul, and all of your strength. The second is like it: love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend the whole law and prophets. All the things we try to do to be right with God don't matter. If we love Him with all that we have, I think everything else will follow. My insecurities will fade. My joy will be found. Maybe my thoughts will tend to have purpose too.

A Million Miles in a Thousand Years

What story are you telling? from Rhetorik Creative on Vimeo.

http://www.amazon.com/Million-Miles-Thousand-Years-Learned/dp/1400202981/ref=tmm_pap_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1276717752&sr=1-1

Blah.... blah... the one?... the one!?!!?... screwed that one up...

An issue that has been on my mind lately. I actually had a great conversation tonight that shed some light on some of my flawed thinking. While not ready (and probably not a surprise), I would like to get married one day.

gasp

I know... shocker. I'm not ready, and I know this. However, I write to share the insight, not my bleeding heart. One thing I've definitely learned is to stop worrying about finding "the one" and worry about becoming the one God created you to be. Blah... blah... blah... Great knowledge and you should hold onto it. But here is the insight:

Sometimes in our lives we come across people, and they enter in the most random of ways. As we begin to learn about them, a thought may enter our mind: "hey, they're really cool." Since they happen to be the opposite sex and you're looking for "the one", (consciously or subconsciously... it doesn't matter... you're probably doing it! If I could point a finger at you and accuse you of it, I would. Try to imagine the most intense and slightly awkward accusation finger point.) the thought crosses your mind: "perhaps, this is the one I've been searching for all my life!"

insert thought bubble with you floating and hearts all around you

False! That is a trashy form of logic. Think about your best friend. Is the way your friendship began how you would think of meeting someone who would be in your life for a long time? That was a weird long sentence. But seriously, did you think in that moment you would have a life-long friendship? Or maybe you have a friend of the opposite sex that life is great with. Why do you think it has worked so well? Did you ask yourself if you would marry them after knowing them for a couple weeks? If you did and you're still great friends, please stop reading... I want to be right about something. Why should we look at someone that we met in a very obscure or seemingly random way and place them into the category of potential predestined relationships.

Pick-up line: Do you believe in predestination? You do? That's awesome because I believe that we are predestined to be with each other!

Hopefully you'll get slapped. I pray you get slapped. Maybe I shouldn't pray that, but it should happen. I hope my point is clear though. If we're concerned with becoming "the one," I'm not so sure we should care whether or not someone falls into the category of my wife. Perhaps, when we get to where we need to be in God, we will find a partner at that conjunction. Perhaps, there won't be anyone there, but when we are where we need to be in God, it shouldn't be a problem, right?

I know... with my massive audience, this is going to break the sound barrier and stuff.

My Propitiation

I fed the hungry
I helped the poor
I sought out the unwanted
I remembered the widow, cured the sick, cared for the broken
I spoke truth, rebuked the religious, and waited on the unfaithful
I defended the helpless, fathered the fatherless, and calmed the restless
I freed captives, clothed the naked, and refused to be silent
I met all needs; I loved all people

I became the cheat, the thief, the gossip
I became the murderer, the adulterer, and the glutton
The rapist, the molester, the pimp
Condemnation, manipulation, and torture
I became greed, pride, and wrath
The liar, the drunk, and the fake
I overlooked the starving, ignored the broken, and withheld from the poor
I spat on my brother, cursed my mother, and betrayed my wife
I became the vain, the complacent, the apathetic
The lazy, the sarcastic, and the addict

I became sin, your sin
Though I knew no sin
I became this for you
I was beaten, crucified, buried, and I rose again
For the glory of my Father
Who calls you His beloved
You are my beloved
I am Jesus, the Christ

The Butterfly Effect

The other night, one of my best friends and I were talking about how some of the smallest decisions that people make can end up making a huge impact later in life. For instance, I would not be at my current college if I had chosen to write an optional essay. While it is due to laziness, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. These past couple months have been a huge time of learning for me. Much of my lessons are due to those I have met here at school. Had I not worked a D-Now in Jasper, I wouldn't have been offered an intern position for that Summer. Had I not taken that position, I wouldn't have watched "The House Bunny." Because of "The House Bunny," I felt the desire to look into joining a Christian frat. I know it may sound crazy or dumb, but I really did have this revelation. Even deciding to eat lunch at the Starbucks on campus had an impact on my current thought process. I probably wouldn't have gone to Passion amongst other things.

I think you could even take this thought to a more minor level. The whole idea of the butterfly effect really is a massive thing. Whenever I decide to wake up effects what I do for the rest of the day. That in turn has its repercussions on others. They have to deal with my presence in some manner.

This is no longer a profound thought, but it is rather a profound enjoyment. It almost gives a great sense of purpose (about to pull the Jesus juke). I think that, maybe, I need to be more concerned with whether or not God is glorified in my actions regardless of how small it is. However, where I am sitting right now, I'm thinking that I should find pleasure in this idea. I'm starting to lose my grip on the thought, but each instance in my life effects the next and the billions following. I think I should be more aware of this, and I should also be more concerned with who it is I am seeking to please in my decisions.

I know that my crowd base is next to nothing, but if anyone has any thoughts, I welcome them. Maybe I should start making drafts of my blogs too for the benefit of clarity and other good things.

A Lion's Mane

He once had hair, it was a glorious mane
It caused all who'd seen it to stand in wonder
A day came about, an idea thought so great
To shave this lion of his beauty and splendor

He sought to shock, to confuse and to stagger
He chased recognition for his demeanor
His brashness and pride, the haste and the flurry
Led this poor lion cub to conclude a blunder

Little did he know, or did bother to think
The support he sought brought only endeavor
Like Samson the cub felt, with his strength no more
He could not understand thus went to ponder

To this humbled lion cub, out to him one called
One who loves and fulfills and knows hair's number
"Appearance matters not, nor others' regard;
Come close, find ease, my love for you won't wander."

The Beauty of Showers

I love showers. They are the absolute best place to go if you want to think. I mean, there is no better place to think than a place where you get to be completely yourself... naked.

No one can come jump you from out of nowhere. No one can mosey their way into your stream of consciousness. No one can call you. No interruptions... unless you're me. This isn't a huge problem. Being interrupted did lead to this blog. So, not a completely bad thing. I just like peace and quiet when I take long showers in the middle of the night. Showers are my escape.

A lot has happened in the past few months. God has definitely been revealing an air-craft-carrier-sized load to me. It has been a bunch of craziness, but delightfully pleasing and incredibly difficult. I just wanted unpack this ridiculously massive amount of amazing-ness. So many things, all the things I've learned about myself last semester, things going on in my family, Passion, new opportunities and ministries presenting themselves this next semester, wanting to go serve either in Africa or Southeast Asia/India. It almost feels like a Hiroshima has happened. That size of destruction. Inappropriate? Maybe. Accurate description? I feel the illustration does it justice. God is awesome. Sometimes he uses massive amounts of information and crazy events to make you into his workmanship.

Once again, I started this blog because I wanted to get my thoughts out since my shower time was cut short. I know it sounds like I'm complaining and I'm bitter, but that is not necessarily the case. Ok... I might be a little bitter, but I simply cut my shower short because I was questioned as to why I was taking such a long shower in the middle of the night. Feeling exposed, I stopped the shower and now I'm here. I should clarify that the person only stuck their head into the bathroom, they did not burst through the shower curtain and bludgeon me.

So, here I am. Starting a blog. Thanks to the beauty of showers and my longing for them. Hopefully I'm more entertaining and insightful than I think.